Talking about abuse...

I am to the part of the book that talks about abusive behavior... it says if you are in an abusive situation... get out... easier said than done for anyone who has ever been there... I am glad that I am not in such a situation.... yet my therapist tells me that my relationship may not be physically abusive but there are many types of abuse... passive/ aggressive behavior, silent treatment, shaming me, walking on "egg shells", silent fear.... I wonder if I really concider this as "abusive"... more munipulative behavior... BUT IT CAN ALWAYS BE WORSE... I guess anything that makes a human being feel less than one is abuse to some degree.
I am working on getting back the "me" that would never have put up with this from anyone... a long journey for sure.... but one worth taking...

When was it REALLy good?

As I continue to read in this book I find lots to think about. One of the questions it askes you to answer is "Think back to your life with HB, when were you really happy... when/what was the best time in your life? AND were things really Ok then? So I sat and thought about when I thought things were good between us... Let's see... Our wedding day? hmmm.... we had run away and gotten married ... and then headed home to tell everyone... that was scary... not so much for my side of the family but because of HIS side... and I was right, they thought I married him to get his money... to have a father for my 2 boys... and that I was pregnant (I wasn't) ... I just remember wanting to get home... I had such a headache and so did he that we did not even have sex on our wedding night... and I do remeber thinking "What the hell did I do?" while we were driving back home... so then I thought about when T was born (11 months AFTER we married)... I think that was the best for me... a new baby ... but that was for ME the best time... and it really didn't include HB... he was just there... so then I kept thinking... WHEN were things ever really good between the two of us.... and were they RERALLY good then?.....

Still thinking......... not a good sign.... confirms quite a bit for me....

New book... Too good to leave, too bad to stay..

I started reading this book yesterday... by Mira Kirshenbaum... It is supposed to help you decide what direction you need to take in your life.. and to finally do it... either recommit or leave and start anew.... one of the statements in the book really got my attention....

"staying ambivalent can cause tremendous damage. Being stuck like this can end up killing you emotionally if you stay when you should be getting out. And it can end up killing your relationship if you keep thinking about leaving when it could be fixed if only you put energy into it. You can end up being deprived of joy and intimacy and of hope. And it is not like waiting around is going to show you what's best for you. Ambivalence doesn't produce answers. It is just a dangerous trap. Sucking you dry."

How many more years am I going to stay here trying to figure this out? Do I really know what I want? Am I waiting for someone/ something to give me the answer? Why am I waiting for a sign? Why am I so afraid to do what I feel is right for me?

I guess I will continue to read on....

dead people

As I ponder they way my life is going, there are loved ones who are leaving this world... Aunt Mildred passed away over the weekend and tonight was her viewing, tomorrow her funeral... it brings home just how short life can be... ok so she was 91.... but I wonder if she achieved all she wanted... did she wait for things to be just right before making any moves... nahhh...... that's not who she was... I am sure she "jumped" before she looked and then did cleanup afterwards... I used to be like that... and I must admit, I did a lot of things that were "fun" and I got a lot accomplished... I guess that kind of felt reckless and that was appealing in my younger days... now I am cautious... years of losing self esteem... I am working on getting that back... lost some weight, getting exercise... working on my inner self with the help of Jen... my therapist... yes, I am moving forward... snails pace but forward....

Finding me

Seems like at 47 I am just now discovering who I am... like many women my age we question were we are in our lives... what direction to take... do we change it? do we move on as it has been? So many question ... so much confusion... so many feeling... so much fear! I feel like I know what I want... what I need... but am I ready to let go of a life that is financially secure, one were I can do what I want and have to deal with minimal interference from another? But when you find you love women instead of men... what do you do?