What's on my mind...

Times

2010-03-10T15:05:00.001-08:00

I am sad to report that my son Jason passed away on 02.05.2009. I have read over the past blogs and it has hit a nerve in my stomach that is making me ill. How does a mother survive this? I feared this event and now it has happened..... I think I am doing Ok and then wham....... not so!

Bi or curious?

2008-08-21T07:40:00.000-07:00

This artical was sent to me by Kris from latebloomerz.... it really was so spot on it was scary! Hence I thought I would share it here. Where do I fit in here? Smack dab in the middle of it! Communication is key in any relationship and I have such good communication skills that I could be in trouble... lol
I will comment on this a bit later when I have time to explore more deeply......

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How do you know if she's curious -- or serious? You'd better ask her.

Not that there's anything wrong with it, either way. Fate has placed this bi-beauty into your path, and whatever her story may be, she's definitely got your attention. But what should you do about it? For lesbians, is dating bisexual women a good idea?

Fluid sexuality
Traditionally, lesbians have shied away from dating bisexual women, concerned that the relationship is just an experiment, or that bisexuals just aren't down for the gay/lesbian cause.

But nowadays it's more of a fluid concept, with sexual orientation increasingly seen as falling somewhere on a continuum between straight and gay. Bisexuality is not necessarily a lark, or the expression of an especially ravenous sexual appetite. Plus, one's sexual orientation may change over a lifetime.

It's no longer so black and white, and no longer carved in stone.

Open communication
Start by having an honest talk with her about what you're each looking for in a relationship. Whether you're seeking lifelong love or a frivolous fling, you'll minimize the potential for misunderstanding with some good old-fashioned dialogue.

If it is about curiosity for her, that's cool, as long as you're both up for it -- and realistic about the potential emotional pitfalls of casual involvement. First, be certain that 'no strings' does not translate to 'behind someone else's back.' If the coast is clear and the communication is good, go forth and indulge, albeit safely.

But what if you really want a soul mate and not some no-strings fling? Well, it's not her bisexuality that may make or break your big dream; rather, it's the chemistry, compatibility and common wishes you share. She too may be ready to settle in, and, girl or boy, you might just be the one. Again, the key is communication.

Get real
But first, absolutely promise me she's not thinking that dating a woman will provide an easy escape from her persistent man-troubles. Woman-to-woman relationships can have just as many complications as straight ones. Sure, the issues and interactions might have a different flavor, but Lesbian Utopia is pure myth. Sorry, girls. Relationships of every stripe require care and feeding to keep them healthy.

And do you ever worry she might someday leave you for a man? Well, if she leaves you at all, heartbreak is heartbreak, and it stings bad. But if you'd feel especially betrayed if she were to date a man after dating you, think about that before you get involved.

Examine your motives carefully. Are you following your heart's attraction to her as an individual, or are you also secretly hoping to win her over for the team?

If you choose to date a bisexual woman, be prepared to respect her sexuality as much as you need her to respect yours. If all the stars line up to form a Goddess constellation that sparkles brightly for both of you, then by all means go out and smooch under the moonlit sky.

Labels, kid and all the other stuff.....

2008-07-30T11:48:00.000-07:00

The past couple of days things have been really "squeezing" the life out of me.... my heart has been racing, I can't sleep, emotions have been high and hard to keep in control. After rereading the past couple of posts and then seeing Ross (my guide) last night I had to face some "in your face" realities.

Reality #1: I am Bi. I was once told that people are attracted to "souls" and those that are open minded do not identify with either male or female.... it is all about the soul and the packaging doesn't matter. But this realization does not make my life any easier. It makes it even more complex because now I am not either hetro or homo..... and like I posted in May, lesbians/ straights have a hard time with this because it is the "cake and eat it too" mentality. My take on this: I am OK with this.... why should I not be able to enjoy the "flavor" of both male and female? There are good men out there as well as wonderful women.... this brings me to

Reality #2: I don't like/want sex with HB..... it is him.... not ALL men.... him. I don't want to have him near me... touch me, kiss me, put himself in me... OMG....NOT! And now all of a sudden he has decided to TRY to make things work between us.... he is downloading all this shit about how to "fix" your marriage.... has announced that he is NOW willing to do marriage counseling (too late) ... and I am supposed to be..... overjoyed....... no no no no no no no!!! I am hoping this too shall pass...... he needs to get personal counseling.... to learn to "deal" when things move forward in my life....

Reality #3: According to Ross (guide), it is time, MY time ... things are feeling like I am being squeezed through the "eye of a needle".... he had some suggestions as to how to deal with the things that have started to move... he said I needed sleep... (YA THINK?!) and now that I have "opened" my mind, the "chatter" is keeping me from resting.... he said that I have become "in tune" with my physic self and I will need it in order to make the choices I am getting ready to make.... BUT I need to control "the voices".... hence, give it to the Angels to do with as it is meant to be... and then let things just happen.... OK, I can do that! LOL... Get out of the way.... Let go, Let God. Ross did say that once I was "through the needle" that my world will be "free".... butterflies, flutterbies, fairies.... I am looking forward to this! Now, is THIS really a reality? It is what it is....

Enough for now.... I need to get on with life.....

Do I believe......

2008-06-23T10:41:00.000-07:00

On Friday 06.20.2008 I went to a physic/numeroligist/ massage/ healer named Suzanne..... she was wonderful and knew many things about my family... things she had no way of knowing but was spot on! This always makes me feel a bit weird when others know things going on inside my family that I don't openly share and when she hits on feelings that I am feeling with no more that a few minutes together... makes me wonder..... she taped our session and I am listening to it now.... hearing things again makes it more real.... Do I believe? Of course anyone can change their course by making different decisions that they would normally make and not all is clear in the universe because we can not control what others do but can only control how we react to them... where am I going with this?
As many know, my issues with Jason have been immense and very trying... to say the least. She told me flat out that in 4-6 months there will be a HUGE event happening... repeating herself many times, she said she was telling me this because I need to be prepared... she believes Jason will be gone from this world in that time frame... and she wants me to know it will be OK... I will be OK... and there will be "butterflies" when it happens.... relief, pain, but butterflies... a feeling of freedom... a feeling of peace.... knowing he is finally at peace... How does one feel about this? How should I feel about this? How do I feel about this? Do I believe?
I have always maintained that I do not see Jason later in life... I can not even conjure up a vision of him older than now or at 30... and the way things are going at home now makes me wonder if letting him out last Thursaday was the right thing to do... of course I have no say when the hospital says to go and he is "making progress" and will need out patient therapy (which they set up) and that this was all they can do for him at this time.... (I believe it is all about the fact he has no insurance) I was hoping for more.

Just for today.....

2008-06-03T08:36:00.000-07:00

Just for today I want to not worry about my kid! Just for today I want to not worry about my parents, brothers, friends, husband and concetrate on me! Just for today I want to be selfish with my wants and needs. Just for today I want experience the joy of caring for ME. Just for today I want someone to undersatand me, love me, HEAR me and still be there for me.... just for today...... is that too much to ask?

Labels.... life....

2008-05-23T08:38:00.001-07:00

Things have been moving along.... not like I always like but they are moving. I have had many "lightbulb" moments over the past few days about me and my life. One of the things I have been dealing with is the label "Bi". Never put myself in this catagory before and when I was put there I was really freaked out about it. But what was there to be freaked out about? I am married. I am into women. I HATE sex with a man and thank God I don't have to go down that road anymore. BUT the fact is I am still married. Jen asked me a good question in therapy this week (which started the freak out)! Is it that I don't like sex with all men or just HB? WTF??? I had not thought of sex other than with HB and I tell you that is NOT where I want to go.... but ALL men???? WTF! Sooooo.... in looking inside myself I have to ask some really hard questions. And then there is the outside world. Lesbians have very little tolerance for BI people, as some of my L friends said, it feels like you want the best of both worlds. Gay men are more accepting I think. This puts a whole new spin on things.... and I don't know the answer. I keep looking for some sign that lets me know which label, if any, really fits me.... maybe I am making too much of this label thing.... maybe I just need to be me.... bi, lesbian, hetero, whatever it is.... just me.

Another day.....

2008-05-14T07:59:00.000-07:00

Today I wish I could have stayed home... kept my head firmly planted on my pillow... but this work thing keeps getting in the way....
There are many things going on today... I am set to get a hair cut... short.... this is scary. I may chicken out and get the normal cut just because I know it is "safe". I seem to do a lot in my life on the safe side... change is scary and I am a big whimp when it comes to change. Hence why I leave things as they are on the home front. It is safe and consistent.
So I want to move to another subject that I deal with on a daily basis.... my drug addicted, mentally compromised son. Though his addiction to drugs is on prescription drugs, it makes no difference because he abuses them and we at home all suffer from this. And to add to the frustration, he has mental health issues... bipolar, manic depression, ADD, borderline personality disorder, narcissism and schizo-effective disorder. ALL being treated with certain medications that are all very addictive. Needless to say, we live on the edge of insanity. I have found FA (Families Anonymous). This has brought much needed peace into my mind and has taught me many things. I did not cause this, I can not control it nor can I cure it. And all I can do is control HOW I react to the things he does or says. Not allow him to bait me into heated arguments and to keep my witts about me when he does things I don't understand..... are there others out there like me.... YES, thank God, I am not alone! Though most only deal with one issue (drug addiction) I have to deal with 2 (addiction/ mental health) but I know that I can survive this by setting limits and controling my reactions.... and attending my meetings to get continued support and help with ways to "deal". I look forward to my meeting tonight.

New Day...

2008-05-01T14:35:00.000-07:00

Today is another NEW day.... A friend of mine on Latebloomerz has just started blogging so I thought I would come and look at my Blog spot.... Oh my it has been a long time since I have gone here.... reading what I had written in months past brought back many feeling.... kind of like Esters questions to me on latebloomerz.... feelings feelings..... I guess I need to try to figure out just what has got me so emotional.... ..... the feelings? The remembering? the having to deal? not sure...... Thank goodness I am going to the gym to work out my "attitude"...lol

So I will not make promises to write weekly... rather I will try to do better and maybe if others friends are reading this it will encourage me to keep it up..... Off to the gym I go......

Like THAT promise held true...

2007-10-26T10:33:00.000-07:00

Ok, Last time I posted I said I would write weekly... never happened... life gets crazy and I just can not find time! Then I have been traveling quite a bit... went to Portland for a week and the to Vegas for 4 days... now we are getting ready to celebrate 3 birthdays... Jason, mine and Chris's. I really just wish the birthdays would come and go.. at least as far as for mine... seems getting older has not really been all that fun... I am "FEELING" the effects of ageing on my joints and stamina.... and now that I have lost weight, I also don't "look" quite as young as I used to... that nice firm round face has begun to sink... oh well....

I took a sexual identity test today... very interesting.... I am not sure how to get it posted here...
http://drrobertepstein.com/esoi/
I think I may have gotten it... try it and see.....
My score was SOR= 5 My MSO= 9.5
Not sure what it all means... because it doesnt tell you what the high CAN be...

Ok I am off for another day....

WOW... so long

2007-09-21T13:47:00.000-07:00

Where has the time gone? Summer is over... life has drifted by and I am still right where I was... My friend Sally made the comment on how she had not written for so long and how she wanted to use her blog as an online journal of sorts... this is what I was hoping for also... needless to say, I too, have fallen short... Sally you are not alone!

Now that I am back here I will fill you in at another time... tell you all the lovely things going on in my wonderful life... ((snicker))... It could always be worse!

My commitment to myself: write here at least weekly!

Travels

2007-05-23T08:56:00.000-07:00

I have been busy with family from out of state so I have not done much reading or working on issues that I need to work on. As a matter of fact, I may have taken a few steps backwards this past month! A sad fact but lets face it, it is easier to slip back into old habits than trying to keep going with new ones you are trying to incorporate into your life...
I had a wonderful time with my family but I did notice some very interesting things... over the course of their visit I recognized how my upbringing in an LDS family really did give me trips of guilt... they like to relax with a drink, as do I, but everyone was so worried how my parents would react that we (all over 40 years of age) were acting like kids! Hiding beer in the fridge in the garage, drinking outside (thank goodness it was warm) , waiting for them to leave so we could have that first drink... now mind you, they knew we were drinking and I do believe they did care BUT they did not say a word... it was us "kids" that had this guilt thing going... drinking at Oma and Opas house is a no no...... had to laugh at it but in reality is was sad! We are not alcoholics by any means.... but like a drink now and then!

Then when I went back to my therapist after they left she mentioned to me that my demeanor had changed some how... gone back to resignation about my life... not all the way back but I did some back tracking... and she worked hard with me to move me in the right direction I want to go... Instead of going back in 3 weeks I am seeing her next week to get things back on track... I will start reading my book again... and forward we shall go!

Laters!

Talking about abuse...

2007-04-26T13:21:00.000-07:00

I am to the part of the book that talks about abusive behavior... it says if you are in an abusive situation... get out... easier said than done for anyone who has ever been there... I am glad that I am not in such a situation.... yet my therapist tells me that my relationship may not be physically abusive but there are many types of abuse... passive/ aggressive behavior, silent treatment, shaming me, walking on "egg shells", silent fear.... I wonder if I really concider this as "abusive"... more munipulative behavior... BUT IT CAN ALWAYS BE WORSE... I guess anything that makes a human being feel less than one is abuse to some degree.
I am working on getting back the "me" that would never have put up with this from anyone... a long journey for sure.... but one worth taking...

When was it REALLy good?

2007-04-17T14:51:00.000-07:00

As I continue to read in this book I find lots to think about. One of the questions it askes you to answer is "Think back to your life with HB, when were you really happy... when/what was the best time in your life? AND were things really Ok then? So I sat and thought about when I thought things were good between us... Let's see... Our wedding day? hmmm.... we had run away and gotten married ... and then headed home to tell everyone... that was scary... not so much for my side of the family but because of HIS side... and I was right, they thought I married him to get his money... to have a father for my 2 boys... and that I was pregnant (I wasn't) ... I just remember wanting to get home... I had such a headache and so did he that we did not even have sex on our wedding night... and I do remeber thinking "What the hell did I do?" while we were driving back home... so then I thought about when T was born (11 months AFTER we married)... I think that was the best for me... a new baby ... but that was for ME the best time... and it really didn't include HB... he was just there... so then I kept thinking... WHEN were things ever really good between the two of us.... and were they RERALLY good then?.....

Still thinking......... not a good sign.... confirms quite a bit for me....

New book... Too good to leave, too bad to stay..

2007-04-11T18:18:00.000-07:00

I started reading this book yesterday... by Mira Kirshenbaum... It is supposed to help you decide what direction you need to take in your life.. and to finally do it... either recommit or leave and start anew.... one of the statements in the book really got my attention....

"staying ambivalent can cause tremendous damage. Being stuck like this can end up killing you emotionally if you stay when you should be getting out. And it can end up killing your relationship if you keep thinking about leaving when it could be fixed if only you put energy into it. You can end up being deprived of joy and intimacy and of hope. And it is not like waiting around is going to show you what's best for you. Ambivalence doesn't produce answers. It is just a dangerous trap. Sucking you dry."

How many more years am I going to stay here trying to figure this out? Do I really know what I want? Am I waiting for someone/ something to give me the answer? Why am I waiting for a sign? Why am I so afraid to do what I feel is right for me?

I guess I will continue to read on....

dead people

2007-04-10T21:11:00.000-07:00

As I ponder they way my life is going, there are loved ones who are leaving this world... Aunt Mildred passed away over the weekend and tonight was her viewing, tomorrow her funeral... it brings home just how short life can be... ok so she was 91.... but I wonder if she achieved all she wanted... did she wait for things to be just right before making any moves... nahhh...... that's not who she was... I am sure she "jumped" before she looked and then did cleanup afterwards... I used to be like that... and I must admit, I did a lot of things that were "fun" and I got a lot accomplished... I guess that kind of felt reckless and that was appealing in my younger days... now I am cautious... years of losing self esteem... I am working on getting that back... lost some weight, getting exercise... working on my inner self with the help of Jen... my therapist... yes, I am moving forward... snails pace but forward....

Finding me

2007-04-09T19:15:00.000-07:00

Seems like at 47 I am just now discovering who I am... like many women my age we question were we are in our lives... what direction to take... do we change it? do we move on as it has been? So many question ... so much confusion... so many feeling... so much fear! I feel like I know what I want... what I need... but am I ready to let go of a life that is financially secure, one were I can do what I want and have to deal with minimal interference from another? But when you find you love women instead of men... what do you do?