Do I believe......

On Friday 06.20.2008 I went to a physic/numeroligist/ massage/ healer named Suzanne..... she was wonderful and knew many things about my family... things she had no way of knowing but was spot on! This always makes me feel a bit weird when others know things going on inside my family that I don't openly share and when she hits on feelings that I am feeling with no more that a few minutes together... makes me wonder..... she taped our session and I am listening to it now.... hearing things again makes it more real.... Do I believe? Of course anyone can change their course by making different decisions that they would normally make and not all is clear in the universe because we can not control what others do but can only control how we react to them... where am I going with this?
As many know, my issues with Jason have been immense and very trying... to say the least. She told me flat out that in 4-6 months there will be a HUGE event happening... repeating herself many times, she said she was telling me this because I need to be prepared... she believes Jason will be gone from this world in that time frame... and she wants me to know it will be OK... I will be OK... and there will be "butterflies" when it happens.... relief, pain, but butterflies... a feeling of freedom... a feeling of peace.... knowing he is finally at peace... How does one feel about this? How should I feel about this? How do I feel about this? Do I believe?
I have always maintained that I do not see Jason later in life... I can not even conjure up a vision of him older than now or at 30... and the way things are going at home now makes me wonder if letting him out last Thursaday was the right thing to do... of course I have no say when the hospital says to go and he is "making progress" and will need out patient therapy (which they set up) and that this was all they can do for him at this time.... (I believe it is all about the fact he has no insurance) I was hoping for more.

Just for today.....

Just for today I want to not worry about my kid! Just for today I want to not worry about my parents, brothers, friends, husband and concetrate on me! Just for today I want to be selfish with my wants and needs. Just for today I want experience the joy of caring for ME. Just for today I want someone to undersatand me, love me, HEAR me and still be there for me.... just for today...... is that too much to ask?

Labels.... life....

Things have been moving along.... not like I always like but they are moving. I have had many "lightbulb" moments over the past few days about me and my life. One of the things I have been dealing with is the label "Bi". Never put myself in this catagory before and when I was put there I was really freaked out about it. But what was there to be freaked out about? I am married. I am into women. I HATE sex with a man and thank God I don't have to go down that road anymore. BUT the fact is I am still married. Jen asked me a good question in therapy this week (which started the freak out)! Is it that I don't like sex with all men or just HB? WTF??? I had not thought of sex other than with HB and I tell you that is NOT where I want to go.... but ALL men???? WTF! Sooooo.... in looking inside myself I have to ask some really hard questions. And then there is the outside world. Lesbians have very little tolerance for BI people, as some of my L friends said, it feels like you want the best of both worlds. Gay men are more accepting I think. This puts a whole new spin on things.... and I don't know the answer. I keep looking for some sign that lets me know which label, if any, really fits me.... maybe I am making too much of this label thing.... maybe I just need to be me.... bi, lesbian, hetero, whatever it is.... just me.

Another day.....

Today I wish I could have stayed home... kept my head firmly planted on my pillow... but this work thing keeps getting in the way....
There are many things going on today... I am set to get a hair cut... short.... this is scary. I may chicken out and get the normal cut just because I know it is "safe". I seem to do a lot in my life on the safe side... change is scary and I am a big whimp when it comes to change. Hence why I leave things as they are on the home front. It is safe and consistent.
So I want to move to another subject that I deal with on a daily basis.... my drug addicted, mentally compromised son. Though his addiction to drugs is on prescription drugs, it makes no difference because he abuses them and we at home all suffer from this. And to add to the frustration, he has mental health issues... bipolar, manic depression, ADD, borderline personality disorder, narcissism and schizo-effective disorder. ALL being treated with certain medications that are all very addictive. Needless to say, we live on the edge of insanity. I have found FA (Families Anonymous). This has brought much needed peace into my mind and has taught me many things. I did not cause this, I can not control it nor can I cure it. And all I can do is control HOW I react to the things he does or says. Not allow him to bait me into heated arguments and to keep my witts about me when he does things I don't understand..... are there others out there like me.... YES, thank God, I am not alone! Though most only deal with one issue (drug addiction) I have to deal with 2 (addiction/ mental health) but I know that I can survive this by setting limits and controling my reactions.... and attending my meetings to get continued support and help with ways to "deal". I look forward to my meeting tonight.

New Day...

Today is another NEW day.... A friend of mine on Latebloomerz has just started blogging so I thought I would come and look at my Blog spot.... Oh my it has been a long time since I have gone here.... reading what I had written in months past brought back many feeling.... kind of like Esters questions to me on latebloomerz.... feelings feelings..... I guess I need to try to figure out just what has got me so emotional.... ..... the feelings? The remembering? the having to deal? not sure...... Thank goodness I am going to the gym to work out my "attitude"...lol

So I will not make promises to write weekly... rather I will try to do better and maybe if others friends are reading this it will encourage me to keep it up..... Off to the gym I go......

Like THAT promise held true...

Ok, Last time I posted I said I would write weekly... never happened... life gets crazy and I just can not find time! Then I have been traveling quite a bit... went to Portland for a week and the to Vegas for 4 days... now we are getting ready to celebrate 3 birthdays... Jason, mine and Chris's. I really just wish the birthdays would come and go.. at least as far as for mine... seems getting older has not really been all that fun... I am "FEELING" the effects of ageing on my joints and stamina.... and now that I have lost weight, I also don't "look" quite as young as I used to... that nice firm round face has begun to sink... oh well....

I took a sexual identity test today... very interesting.... I am not sure how to get it posted here...
http://drrobertepstein.com/esoi/
I think I may have gotten it... try it and see.....
My score was SOR= 5 My MSO= 9.5
Not sure what it all means... because it doesnt tell you what the high CAN be...

Ok I am off for another day....

WOW... so long

Where has the time gone? Summer is over... life has drifted by and I am still right where I was... My friend Sally made the comment on how she had not written for so long and how she wanted to use her blog as an online journal of sorts... this is what I was hoping for also... needless to say, I too, have fallen short... Sally you are not alone!

Now that I am back here I will fill you in at another time... tell you all the lovely things going on in my wonderful life... ((snicker))... It could always be worse!

My commitment to myself: write here at least weekly!