Thursday, January 1, 2015

Years later 2013

July 14, 2013
Just opened this back up since announcing the death of my son Jason. I can answer the question I posed then "How does one survive?"  You just do.... piece by piece. But you are never the same.
I guess the truth is, you change no matter what happens in your life, one thing you can always count on is, things change, you change, they change....

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


I am sad to report that my son Jason passed away on 02.05.2009. I have read over the past blogs and it has hit a nerve in my stomach that is making me ill. How does a mother survive this? I feared this event and now it has happened..... I think I am doing Ok and then wham....... not so!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Bi or curious?

This artical was sent to me by Kris from latebloomerz.... it really was so spot on it was scary! Hence I thought I would share it here. Where do I fit in here? Smack dab in the middle of it! Communication is key in any relationship and I have such good communication skills that I could be in trouble... lol
I will comment on this a bit later when I have time to explore more deeply......


How do you know if she's curious -- or serious? You'd better ask her.

Not that there's anything wrong with it, either way. Fate has placed this bi-beauty into your path, and whatever her story may be, she's definitely got your attention. But what should you do about it? For lesbians, is dating bisexual women a good idea?

Fluid sexuality
Traditionally, lesbians have shied away from dating bisexual women, concerned that the relationship is just an experiment, or that bisexuals just aren't down for the gay/lesbian cause.

But nowadays it's more of a fluid concept, with sexual orientation increasingly seen as falling somewhere on a continuum between straight and gay. Bisexuality is not necessarily a lark, or the expression of an especially ravenous sexual appetite. Plus, one's sexual orientation may change over a lifetime.

It's no longer so black and white, and no longer carved in stone.

Open communication
Start by having an honest talk with her about what you're each looking for in a relationship. Whether you're seeking lifelong love or a frivolous fling, you'll minimize the potential for misunderstanding with some good old-fashioned dialogue.

If it is about curiosity for her, that's cool, as long as you're both up for it -- and realistic about the potential emotional pitfalls of casual involvement. First, be certain that 'no strings' does not translate to 'behind someone else's back.' If the coast is clear and the communication is good, go forth and indulge, albeit safely.

But what if you really want a soul mate and not some no-strings fling? Well, it's not her bisexuality that may make or break your big dream; rather, it's the chemistry, compatibility and common wishes you share. She too may be ready to settle in, and, girl or boy, you might just be the one. Again, the key is communication.

Get real
But first, absolutely promise me she's not thinking that dating a woman will provide an easy escape from her persistent man-troubles. Woman-to-woman relationships can have just as many complications as straight ones. Sure, the issues and interactions might have a different flavor, but Lesbian Utopia is pure myth. Sorry, girls. Relationships of every stripe require care and feeding to keep them healthy.

And do you ever worry she might someday leave you for a man? Well, if she leaves you at all, heartbreak is heartbreak, and it stings bad. But if you'd feel especially betrayed if she were to date a man after dating you, think about that before you get involved.

Examine your motives carefully. Are you following your heart's attraction to her as an individual, or are you also secretly hoping to win her over for the team?

If you choose to date a bisexual woman, be prepared to respect her sexuality as much as you need her to respect yours. If all the stars line up to form a Goddess constellation that sparkles brightly for both of you, then by all means go out and smooch under the moonlit sky.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Labels, kid and all the other stuff.....

The past couple of days things have been really "squeezing" the life out of me.... my heart has been racing, I can't sleep, emotions have been high and hard to keep in control. After rereading the past couple of posts and then seeing Ross (my guide) last night I had to face some "in your face" realities.

Reality #1: I am Bi. I was once told that people are attracted to "souls" and those that are open minded do not identify with either male or female.... it is all about the soul and the packaging doesn't matter. But this realization does not make my life any easier. It makes it even more complex because now I am not either hetro or homo..... and like I posted in May, lesbians/ straights have a hard time with this because it is the "cake and eat it too" mentality. My take on this: I am OK with this.... why should I not be able to enjoy the "flavor" of both male and female? There are good men out there as well as wonderful women.... this brings me to

Reality #2: I don't like/want sex with HB..... it is him.... not ALL men.... him. I don't want to have him near me... touch me, kiss me, put himself in me... OMG....NOT! And now all of a sudden he has decided to TRY to make things work between us.... he is downloading all this shit about how to "fix" your marriage.... has announced that he is NOW willing to do marriage counseling (too late) ... and I am supposed to be..... overjoyed....... no no no no no no no!!! I am hoping this too shall pass...... he needs to get personal counseling.... to learn to "deal" when things move forward in my life....

Reality #3: According to Ross (guide), it is time, MY time ... things are feeling like I am being squeezed through the "eye of a needle".... he had some suggestions as to how to deal with the things that have started to move... he said I needed sleep... (YA THINK?!) and now that I have "opened" my mind, the "chatter" is keeping me from resting.... he said that I have become "in tune" with my physic self and I will need it in order to make the choices I am getting ready to make.... BUT I need to control "the voices".... hence, give it to the Angels to do with as it is meant to be... and then let things just happen.... OK, I can do that! LOL... Get out of the way.... Let go, Let God. Ross did say that once I was "through the needle" that my world will be "free".... butterflies, flutterbies, fairies.... I am looking forward to this! Now, is THIS really a reality? It is what it is....

Enough for now.... I need to get on with life.....

Monday, June 23, 2008

Do I believe......

On Friday 06.20.2008 I went to a physic/numeroligist/ massage/ healer named Suzanne..... she was wonderful and knew many things about my family... things she had no way of knowing but was spot on! This always makes me feel a bit weird when others know things going on inside my family that I don't openly share and when she hits on feelings that I am feeling with no more that a few minutes together... makes me wonder..... she taped our session and I am listening to it now.... hearing things again makes it more real.... Do I believe? Of course anyone can change their course by making different decisions that they would normally make and not all is clear in the universe because we can not control what others do but can only control how we react to them... where am I going with this?
As many know, my issues with Jason have been immense and very trying... to say the least. She told me flat out that in 4-6 months there will be a HUGE event happening... repeating herself many times, she said she was telling me this because I need to be prepared... she believes Jason will be gone from this world in that time frame... and she wants me to know it will be OK... I will be OK... and there will be "butterflies" when it happens.... relief, pain, but butterflies... a feeling of freedom... a feeling of peace.... knowing he is finally at peace... How does one feel about this? How should I feel about this? How do I feel about this? Do I believe?
I have always maintained that I do not see Jason later in life... I can not even conjure up a vision of him older than now or at 30... and the way things are going at home now makes me wonder if letting him out last Thursaday was the right thing to do... of course I have no say when the hospital says to go and he is "making progress" and will need out patient therapy (which they set up) and that this was all they can do for him at this time.... (I believe it is all about the fact he has no insurance) I was hoping for more.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Just for today.....

Just for today I want to not worry about my kid! Just for today I want to not worry about my parents, brothers, friends, husband and concetrate on me! Just for today I want to be selfish with my wants and needs. Just for today I want experience the joy of caring for ME. Just for today I want someone to undersatand me, love me, HEAR me and still be there for me.... just for today...... is that too much to ask?

Friday, May 23, 2008

Labels.... life....

Things have been moving along.... not like I always like but they are moving. I have had many "lightbulb" moments over the past few days about me and my life. One of the things I have been dealing with is the label "Bi". Never put myself in this catagory before and when I was put there I was really freaked out about it. But what was there to be freaked out about? I am married. I am into women. I HATE sex with a man and thank God I don't have to go down that road anymore. BUT the fact is I am still married. Jen asked me a good question in therapy this week (which started the freak out)! Is it that I don't like sex with all men or just HB? WTF??? I had not thought of sex other than with HB and I tell you that is NOT where I want to go.... but ALL men???? WTF! Sooooo.... in looking inside myself I have to ask some really hard questions. And then there is the outside world. Lesbians have very little tolerance for BI people, as some of my L friends said, it feels like you want the best of both worlds. Gay men are more accepting I think. This puts a whole new spin on things.... and I don't know the answer. I keep looking for some sign that lets me know which label, if any, really fits me.... maybe I am making too much of this label thing.... maybe I just need to be me.... bi, lesbian, hetero, whatever it is.... just me.